How are you supposed to feel when you see your ex and his new boyfriend in pictures and they look perfect together, better than you did with him, and you start feeling happy for him, but at the same time the jealousy sets in and you realize that your still lonely, and that he was the butt in the relationship and you deserve to be the one who finds someone, at the very least before they do...It's an awful feeling, and I should not be thinking bad things about a happy couple. I should be happy and only happy for the situation....
I have not completely given up hope that I will find someone at some point later in life. My problem with relationships (especially gay relationships) is the few people who give you the time of day are the ones who want just one thing...
I would love to find the one, and with any new relationship I get involved with, I find that I am the one making 95% of the effort, and it's exhausting. I have given up (for now anyways) on actually finding someone worth my time...So I decided to work, and work, and work some more. Keep myself so busy that I dont even have to worry about a relationship...I can't be let down by a prick, or a loser.. Any sort of personal life is out of the question....One small problem...No time for a personal life...
This is just me bitching about a problem there is no real answer to, and the comments will all be the same.."Think positive," "you'll find someone when you least expect it," "everything will work out, "don't work so much." <<~~ Things I don't want to hear...
Seems more and more than having any sort of morals when it comes to relationships is so unheard of...The idea of getting to know someone, and spending one on one time with someone seems to be a weird thought to most...
I work hard, I know what I want and refuse to settle for less. My standards are high but I know I deserve the things...
BLAH BLAH BLAH enough...I sound retarded...
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Lonely I think
I have never done any kind of blog before, and I guess it's just a bunch of rambling on my part, but I think it will be good for me to put on words things that fill my mind.
Lonely...The word itself makes me feel, well...Lonely. Lol I'm not sure how I can be lonely when I have friends and family who would do anything for me, and would see me if I would make the time to see them. I've gotten myself in such a rutt that I don't know how to get out. So my lonliness is solely my fault. Trust issues I don't blame on myself. I blame it on others who took advantage of me, and stole my happy. I am tired of investing time and energy in people who could care less if I spoke to them again or not. Or thinking something is good, and turns out to just be something awful. I guess you have to fall down to learn, but I feel like I have fallen enough. I am ready to be stable and happy for longer than a week. I once had high hopes for myself, and things that I wanted to accomplish in life. I wanted (want) to do great things,
I guess I just hate where I am in life right now, I hate my job, I hate that I am not in school, I hate that I've pushed good people away, just hate. I want to pack my things, jump in my car and just drive until I run out of gas, money, and sanity. But my OCD and own fears won't allow me to do that, but I think that would be such a good thing for me. To just get away and experience, something other than what I am going through right now.
My health is good right now, Doctor is happy with where I am, and so am I. I've worked hard to keep that in check, and to make sure I live long enough to accomplish the things that may or may not happen. It's a great great thing and I am so proud!
My life is not all bad, and I know that. Alot of the bad I bring upon myself. Just wish things could be a little easier. Wish people would invest a little time in me. These bad feelings, and depression will go away, Just feeling down, but I am sure I will be back up again soon. Anxious is who I am, 24/7 lol
Lonely...The word itself makes me feel, well...Lonely. Lol I'm not sure how I can be lonely when I have friends and family who would do anything for me, and would see me if I would make the time to see them. I've gotten myself in such a rutt that I don't know how to get out. So my lonliness is solely my fault. Trust issues I don't blame on myself. I blame it on others who took advantage of me, and stole my happy. I am tired of investing time and energy in people who could care less if I spoke to them again or not. Or thinking something is good, and turns out to just be something awful. I guess you have to fall down to learn, but I feel like I have fallen enough. I am ready to be stable and happy for longer than a week. I once had high hopes for myself, and things that I wanted to accomplish in life. I wanted (want) to do great things,
I guess I just hate where I am in life right now, I hate my job, I hate that I am not in school, I hate that I've pushed good people away, just hate. I want to pack my things, jump in my car and just drive until I run out of gas, money, and sanity. But my OCD and own fears won't allow me to do that, but I think that would be such a good thing for me. To just get away and experience, something other than what I am going through right now.
My health is good right now, Doctor is happy with where I am, and so am I. I've worked hard to keep that in check, and to make sure I live long enough to accomplish the things that may or may not happen. It's a great great thing and I am so proud!
My life is not all bad, and I know that. Alot of the bad I bring upon myself. Just wish things could be a little easier. Wish people would invest a little time in me. These bad feelings, and depression will go away, Just feeling down, but I am sure I will be back up again soon. Anxious is who I am, 24/7 lol
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